This week I started and finished the book The Shack. I've waited to read this book because the context is so deep and hits really close to home on a couple of issues for me. I think everyone should read this book. I will probably read it again and again because some of the context is so deep it is WAY over my head. It makes so much sense to me yet throws me for a loop at the same time. It does NOT make me understand "why" things happens, but assures me that God does have a plan. I am still wrapping my head around this book and deep in thought, but I can tell you I think it has helped me heal some open wounds.
As far as God's plan goes, my baby sister and her loving husband, Will, found out they are having a precious baby girl in January. I am over-joyed for them. Will lovingly calls Lauren "The Princess" and she is one...however, I thing Lauren's reign will soon be over once the little one is here!! I am thrilled that my baby sister is going to feel love like she has never felt!! This baby girl is being brought into this world with so much love and is already so loved by family and friends. Babies are truly a miracle from God. My sister is going to be the best mom! I also realized this week I will be an Aunt for the first time. I have a lot to live up too!! Aunt Lauren is truly the best aunt anyone could ask for!
I have not been sleeping well this week, lots on my mind I guess. Does any mom go to bed thinking of all the things they did wrong that day? ...how they could of been better...reacted better...dealt with an issue better? My daughter is just like me, stubborn, bull-headed and sometimes just plain ol' difficult. Because I am looking at a mirror, I am programmed to yell. Nothing ugly (outloud), I am just LOUD, and sometimes very short! I tend to snap, especially at Lawson when she consistently pulls at my strings. I admit this because I really want to fix it...I hate that I am a yeller. It does no good. Lawson shuts down...I shut down and nothing is resolved. Lawson has become especially irreverent and it gets under my skin faster then nails to a chalkboard. I need to fix my issue fast, because as Lawson continues to act like a teenager, at 4, it will ONLY get worse! I am not really looking for anyone to make suggestions (unless it is really good), just pray for me and all the other moms out there who don't have all the answers! I have purchased the book "Scream-free Parenting" and let's see how that works for me!
Some of you are probably wondering why I would mention this. On Blogworld, I could make my life seem as perfect as the images I display. Well, my life isn't perfect, I am not perfect...and I am a realist. I don't sugar-coat things!!! I am a mom who is constantly evolving, learning and always in need of an adjustment. I thank God for each new day and that I have a clean slate to try again...
I don't want to leave a post without pictures I will leave you with this image...
I H*E*A*R*T my kids!!
Have a great weekend!
4 comments:
Thank you Maridith for writing this. Everything I go to bed and I first think about how adorable my little boy is, then I think about the new things he learned. As I'm falling asleep, I think about what I could have done better--played more with him instead of putting away the dishes or disciplined him better, etc. It keeps me up longer when I know that by sleeping I can be a better mommy! It's a tough road, but it's well worth it. We do the best we can and that is all we can do. You are doing a great job--you have two beautiful children who love you so much. I think it's normal to feel the way you do--it would not be normal if you didn't.
Thanks for sharing Maridith! I totally agree. We need to be honest about where we struggle otherwise we all feel like we cannot measure up. Thanks for your honesty! I read somewhere that the #1 guilty feeling a mom has is over yelling! We all do it and wished we didn't! Let me know what you think about the book! I am reading Grace Based Parenting... very good and convicting! Have a good week!
I go through the same things. Every night praying that I can be more patient with my kids, be less short, get less frustrated, no more yelling. ARGH. It's tough. Motherhood is full of guilt! Hang in there. You are doing great and you are human. We'll all work on it together!
Maridith,
You inspire me to TRY and get back to the Shack..have put it aside and read two others! You are the best mother possible. Will and I butted heads due to our "sameness"..hold firm, try walking away and not verbally responding to the buttons that are pushed (this really confuses them)! Say what you mean, mean what you say and hang in there. Jim always told the boys, "I am not here to be your friend, I am here to be your parent and shape you into responsible adults". Your children are the best example of good parenting I know!
Love you,
Paula
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